It's how all my babies have been born. There will be no one cheering me on. There will be no one telling me that I can do it. There will be a quiet room, and there will be fear. After that baby is pulled from me, no one will tell me what a great job I did. They will clean her up, wrap her in a blanket, and let me hold her for a few short minutes before she is taken from me.
This is not how I wanted my births to go. I wanted to give birth naturally, unmedicated, and have some control over the circumstances. I wanted to hold my babies as soon as they were born and nurse them within moments of them entering the world.
I've really been struggling with this the past couple weeks. The pain, the recovery, the fear of the unknown... it's been weighing on me. I know that this baby will be fine. I know I will be fine. I know she will be born crying and be beautiful and healthy and I will come out of the OR just fine. Oh, but how I wish it were easier. How I wish my babies didn't have to be born via surgery.
I'm praying God takes my anxiety away. I don't like this fear that I have surrounding my daughter's birth. And I am praying that her birth goes smoothly and it is so much more than I could hope for. I'm hoping I get the answers I need. I'm praying over the doctors and the nurses, and I'm praying over myself. I am praying for my daughter, whom I am so anxious to meet. I cannot wait for your arrival, baby girl.
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar will all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
...For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
-- Psalm 139: 1-5, 13-14
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