Pause

Watching my babies grow up has been an amazing honor. An incredible blessing. But it's so hard. Last night Evie woke up crying, I went to her door and she reached out her little arms and hugged me. There are so many times I fail as a mother. I yell when I shouldn't. I don't have as much patience as I should. Some days I just count the hours until bedtime. But every night I tuck my girls in and I ask myself if I was a good mom that day. Do I feel like a good mom?

Evie asked me to sing her her song. So I walked her back to her bed and tucked her into her tent (she has recently taken to sleeping in a cheap toy pop-up tent that is turned on its side, like a little cave) and sang her a lullaby my mom sang to me, and that her mom sang to her. Oh, these moments are so precious, and I am trying desperately to hold onto them. How much longer will she ask me to sing her to sleep?

Catherine also woke last night, and though Jordan went into her room to check on her, I followed. He picked her up out of her crib and she reached for me. Because I'm her Mommy. I took her into our bed and snuggled with her until she settled down. And though I was exhausted (what mother with young children isn't?) I enjoyed those sweet snuggles. After a few minutes I put her back in her crib where she snuggled with "Baby Minnie" (a small Minnie Mouse plush) and went back to sleep.

And then there is baby Emiliana. She woke this morning crying, and I ran up to get her. She still sleeps in our room, but I was downstairs with Evie doing my morning Bible reading. That sweet, sad face lit up in a smile so big that her giant cheeks couldn't hold it. She is always so happy to see me!

I'm in a part of my life where I know that to the world I'm not that important. I'm not making discoveries or changing the world. But my kids need me. I am their Mommy, and they love me unconditionally, and they love me even when I yell and lose my patience and beg for bedtime to just get here so I can have some peace. And that is an amazing feeling. To know that even when I'm questioning myself, my girls think I'm a good mom.

Slow down, babies. Don't grow up so fast. Let's just pause in this time a little while longer.