Learning to Let My Guard Down

I started to keep a prayer journal in December. I don't write in it every day, but it is a great way for me to really connect with God. I don't know if it's the writer in me, or what, but when I write my prayers down I feel like they will really stick. "Okay, God. This one is in WRITING. I KNOW you've heard it!" It's silly to think that way, because I know God hears all prayers, but this is how my weak human brain processes it.

I find that I hide from God. I will have a dark thought, or have trouble with forgiveness, or sin, and I hide. I write my prayers down in my journal, but I tuck those dark things away. I don't want to admit to them. It's like when my four year old does something wrong. I know she's done it. She knows I know. But sometimes she's afraid to tell me. I feel like that sometimes when I pray. I know God knows my heart, but I want to put on this mask. "I've got this. I can handle it. God doesn't need to know I'm struggling with this." So I thank him for my blessings and ask his forgiveness and scribble an "Amen" and leave it at that.

I think some of it is that I'm not much of a complainer. I am fiercely independent and I don't ask for help. From anyone. I don't want to complain to God. He has given me so much, and I don't want him to think I'm ungrateful. But a couple days ago I let my guard down. I completely broke open my heart and spilled it onto the pages of my prayer journal.

I can't do this anymore, God. Something needs to change. I am angry and overwhelmed and exhausted. I can't do it anymore.

I was talking about my job as a stay at home mom. There has been a serious struggle in my household the past few weeks. Evie and I have been butting heads. Catherine is the very definition of strong willed.They haven't been listening. We had a moment in Michael's in the middle of their wood crafting section where I yelled, begging them to put the dang blasted stuff down and STAY WITH ME. People stopped to look at me. I didn't even care.

I've lost control. And I feel so guilty. I want to be a good mom. I want to stop feeling guilty. I want to stop comparing myself to other moms. I want to enjoy my children. I need more patience. Please, God.

My answer came later that day. First, a friend happened to post a blog from a mother. "What we mean when we say we need a break." I read it. I cried. My life is fully devoted to my kids and sometimes I need a break to feel like myself again. And I always feel so guilty for this. But after I read that I realized it's what I NEED. I need to feel like a grown up sometimes, like a woman, like HANNAH. I can't always be the burp rag/ nurse/ nanny/ maid/ shadow that is known as Mommy.

 And then I saw a post from Proverbs 31 ministries. A Bible study using the book "Am I Messing Up My Kids" I bought the book and signed up for the study. I absolutely adore my children. They are the light of my life. I am so happy that I made the decision to stay at home with them. But the enemy has found a way to creep into that. Whispering "You're not good enough" in my ear. "You yelled today. Good moms don't yell." "You made cookies and took the girls to the park. Cleaned the house. Did the laundry. But then you put in a movie and fooled around on facebook. Good moms NEVER EVER EVER use their smartphones when their children are awake! SHAME!"

I prayed that God would free me from Mommy Guilt, from judging other moms, from comparing myself to others. It was amazing to me how I felt God permeate my life when I opened up to him. When I admitted my struggle.

So I'm going to stop hiding from God. I may be fiercely independent, but I cannot control every aspect of my life. I need God. I need to tell him what is in my heart and give it to him. I have heard that message a hundred times. Let it go, and let God. He has blessed me immensely with this life I have. With my home and my husband and my three beautiful girls. He won't fault me for struggling and he will help me if I give him that authority.

And I will praise him for that.