What They Don't Tell You

Yesterday my family visited with good friends of ours who have a one week old baby girl. As I talked with them I was reminded how hard it is to be a new mom. I never struggled with actually becoming a mother. I was 21 when Evangeline was born, and I had no problem transitioning. I didn't mind giving up sleep or going out with my friends or making those big life changes that everyone makes  into such a big deal. When people tell you it's going to be hard, they usually mean "Oh yeah, waking up every two hours really sucks..." That's not the hard part.

When I was pregnant with Evie I was bound and determined to have a natural childbirth. I watched A Business of Being Born early in my pregnancy and decided that anything other than a natural med free birth would doom my baby and me. I had it in my head that if this didn't happen I wouldn't bond with my baby. I wouldn't breast feed. I would fail.

No one told me that sometimes no matter how determined you are to have things a certain way... it doesn't always happen. Evie was born via emergency c-section after 18 hours of labor and nearly 6 hours of pushing. She lost a lot of weight at the beginning and we had to give her formula. I cried. She was two days old and I felt that I had failed as a mother.

No one told me how difficult it would be to cope with a c-section after wanting a natural birth so badly. Sometimes I still struggle with that.

No one told me (actually, a few people told me but I didn't know if I could believe them) that a little formula isn't going to hurt my baby. It will not compromise their immune systems. They will be fine. And no one told me how much it would HURT. The first couple weeks of breastfeeding are so painful. I almost gave up with Catherine. But I stuck with it, and it was worth it. We got it eventually.

No one told me how much I would question every little thing I did. I am a confident mother, but there are so many times, even now that Evie is nearly three that I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Actually, I wonder that pretty frequently. Am I a good enough mother? I feel like I am under a microscope. Sometimes I let my kids cry it out. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I just want to change my name. Sometimes I give my kids cookies for breakfast because I don't feel like fighting with them. Sometimes they watch too much TV.

No one told me that after Catherine was born that I might not feel that immediate connection that I did with Evie. I think it was because her birth happened SO FAST. One minute we were going home, the next I find out she's going to be in my arms within the hour. I felt like a horrible mother because though I loved Catherine with everything I had, I felt no connection those first few days.

No one told me that I may not lose the baby weight. I was a small girl when I got pregnant. I have always been a tiny little thing. No one told me how freaking hard I would have to work to lose the weight, and even now I am a good 15 pounds heavier than I was before Evie came along. And no one told me how much I would hate seeing other women who apparently have no problem losing baby weight. I hate them. (Not really. Okay, maybe a little bit.)

I want new and expecting mothers to know that being a mother is hard. It is very true when they say that choosing to have a child is forever choosing to have your heart walk around on the outside. You will want to do the best possible thing for your child, and it will be hard. Because sometimes what YOU want for your child isn't the right thing for them. And that is okay.  Just love them. Just love them with all that you are, and it will come. You won't always do the right thing, but as long as you love them it will be okay. I promise.